Healthy Goodbyes

I have had to say "goodbye" many times in my life. I have said goodbye to places, people and things as my parents' career caused us to move around the country every few years. Some goodbyes have been incredibly painful, whilst others welcome.

In order to leave our homes and lives with good mental health, I have learned a few things about the goodbye process. As Greg and I prepare to leave the country in just days, I have spent the last months practicing the art of a healthy goodbye.

Healthy goodbyes are...

1. A process Not every goodbye is the same because relationships vary. Some goodbyes simply require a one time conversation and other goodbyes last for months. I have learned to tell people what they mean to me and what they have meant in life, not holding anything back. (except maybe a few boys I had crushes on in the pre Greg days. :) If there is a relationship with tension, I have made effort to resolve the conflict and leave on healthy terms.

Not every friend handles the process easily. Many times, a friend has pulled back from our relationship as my leaving date draws closer. I learned at a very young age that my friends were not trying to hurt me but it was their way of dealing with the pain of goodbye.

It's been important to articulate the exact things I will miss about them and our relationship.

I am learning to allow my family and friends to deal with the process of goodbye in their way. It's not only my goodbye.

2. Not just people but places and things I grew up leaving my house every few years when my parents were transferred throughout their career. I learned to say goodbye to places and things, not only people. With my own children, we have gone through our house at 126 and said goodbye to rooms and remembered together the precious times in them. We have learned to actually verbalize the farewell aloud as we've gone through each room.

After I read the book, "Room", I understood the need for the rescued captives to return to their place of captivity to say goodbye to the sink, the carpet, the bed, the table, and truly put an end to that chapter.

3. Not Forever I have learned that for many friendships, it's not goodbye forever. Having lived abroad, there have been some forever goodbyes. However, with technology, it's only goodbye in a physical sense as we can stay connected via various means. My move to Cambodia is not forever. I will return every year and friendships simply evolve. 

4. Necessary for Cultural Adjustment If I hadn't taken the time to meet with family, friends, neighbours, students and their parents and colleagues, I would not be emotionally prepared to face the task of cultural adjustment. I am not on a trip. I will be learning to live in a cultural unknown to my experience. I will have to continually rely on God to settle and adjust to my new surroundings and lifestyle. 

5.Emotional I am not good at letting others show their emotion. For my own protection, I have not let myself have a really good cry saying goodbye yet, despite needing to. It's important that I allow people to cry if they need to and that I allow myself to let er rip with them. If I can feel the pain of goodbye now and with others, it means less hurt and pain when I'm feeling lonely so far away from home.

6. Need to Stay Positive It would be very easy to focus on the negative but there are wonderful positives that lay ahead. Leaving my children is almost impossible, but by remembering I will see them in 14 weeks and have a vacation some can only dream of, the goodbye is spun in a positive light. If I only focus on the fact that I won't be able to see my friends weekly, I can remember that many will visit and a concentrated time together awaits. If I only focus on leaving the home I raised my children in, I will be too sad to appreciate the "mansion" that awaits me with house help. 

7.Vulnerable It takes all of my adult, big girl vulnerability to say goodbye in healthy ways to others. I have to shake off my pride in asking others for help, especially in terms of leaving my children. It takes being okay with feeling uncomfortable or unworthy when friends tell me what I have meant to them. Saying goodbye seems to be the most healthy when I'm feeling the most vulnerable.

I choose to do the goodbye process well. And, I am energized when I remember that goodbyes also mean many new hellos. Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to say goodbye in a meaningful way...a family prayer time with the Richardsons, many a breakfast, coffee, lunch and dinner out with friends, Thanksgiving dinner early with the Warkentins. You have been part of my healthy goodbyes as I embrace the adventure ahead.