Cambodian Customs

Having had some cultural training this week through Greg's workplace, we realize there will need to be some big changes in our daily habits. The same day we came out of the session armed with new information, we found ourselves making faux pas, but at least realizing it once the social blunders occurred. If anything, we've learned that Cambodians are gracious, understanding and willing to help us learn.

Cambodians are softly spoken and expect conversation to be so. In other words, Greg and I being loud mouths need to tone it down about 75%. When one of us realizes the other is talking too loudly, we gently nudge the other and there is a decrescendo in volume. We will see how long the nudges stay friendly and appreciated. :) In saying that, we purchased some shelves from a very loud sales lady today who did not appreciate my bartering techniques. Apparently, she is Chinese Cambodian and they are not as soft spoken.

Pointing your feet towards anything is completely rude. When I learned this, I didn't think it would be a problem. Surely I don't use my feet in such a manner. I left training and immediately met with our landlords to talk about painting our home and you guessed it, used my toes to point to the colour in the floor tile I wanted to match. When sitting, it is polite to tuck your feet behind you so they do not point at anything. It's a lot to think of when you're not accustom to giving thought to your feet. 

Always use two hands to give and receive things. I never use two hands to exchange money, credit cards or anything that does not require it because of its size. Well, now I have to. I am improving in this area.

I quite enjoy the greeting, "Sompiah" with two hands together and little bow. I am even learning the high pitched intonation. I quite enjoy watching Greg bow to everyone.

In conversation, regardless of the topic, Cambodians converse with a smile. This will be a challenge for Greg whose natural facial expression does not include a smile, to put it mildly. I really hope Amy Leyonhorst is reading this paragraph and dying with laughter over Greg conducting all business with a sweet smile.

The top of one's head is sacred and never to be touched. I think that will be easy to remember although I was about to touch the top of a sweet baby's head the other day. 

This weekend is a holiday weekend. It feels a little like Christmas as everyone is leaving the city in buses to head to their villages and celebrate with their families. Although the holiday begins tomorrow, many of the road side shops were closed for business as we traveled around the city today.

My observation is that polite Canadian culture and polite Cambodian culture are a good recipe to get along.

Surprises and Challenges

We have been told that living life abroad means a life time of learning.Having just been here a few days, we have realized there is so much we don't know. There have been some surprises, good and bad as well as various challenges presented to us.

Surprises

Cambodia does not stink! This is an excellent surprise. As soon as you touch down at the airport in Dhaka, you smell it. The indescribable stench of mixed body odor, urine, feces and rotting garbage assaults your senses.This is not the case with Phnom Penh. Once in a while,deeper into the city there might be a quick whiff of offensive odor, but all in all, it smells just fine. In Dhaka's defence, Phnom Penh has 2 million people, Dhaka 17 million. In fact, in our little area, which surrounds a Buddhist Temple, many homes have beautiful flowers growing that produce a perfume like scent as we walk at dusk. Having spent some time downtown Toronto this summer I would say that it smells more than Phnom Penh.

The fruits taste amazing, although I am not a fan of the dragon fruit. We even have passion fruit growing from our 2nd floor balcony! The oranges currently available are fresher and juicer than anything I've ever had at home and apparently, smaller clementines will soon be available. The lychee fruit are in season and my favourite. I cannot wait for mango season!

The average Cambodian eats out regularly. Obviously those living in extreme poverty are not eating out but the side stalls are regularly frequented with street food grilling. People are out and about! We will easily be able to afford an eating out lifestyle because the prices are so reasonable. I cannot imagine cooking regularly in this heat.

There is wild dog roasting on a spit just outside my community. I can't even look. Ugh. The deep fried bugs are also not for the faint of heart.

There is a wildly successful restaurant (1 of 2) close to our home called Jars of Clay. It began as a project by foreigners to help exploited woman find meaningful work and a life out the industry and eventually was handed over to Cambodians to run. It only improved from there and has made a huge impact of restoring the lives of marginalized women. The menu is varied, with both Western and local fare, safe, staffed by rescued women, decorated with art pieces for sale and is very affordable. ($4 - $6 for a main meal) We went there for our welcome lunch yesterday. 

Every staff member at Ratanak is treated with dignity and respect and is included in things like the Welcome lunch, as it should be. In Bangladesh, the driver would have sat outside and not joined us for lunch. Both meals, the drivers have joined us and it's been fun to have their advice on what to order. It is beautiful to see expat staff and Khmer employees learning from one another, respecting one another and working together to restore hope.

The church we will attend has 500 people in attendance! That's the largest church we've ever been apart of. It is Assemblies of God in denomination, so it will be a new and welcome experience. 

The vehicles we see most on the roads are Lexus SUV's, Land Rovers and Toyota Prius. It is shocking to see these high end SUV's alongside the poverty. 

Challenges

We have known hot weather. We know that Niagara is hot and humid in the summer but it just does not compare to this, even if the numbers say it does. I can't explain it; you would just have to experience it. Walking to my friend's house this morning at 7am, both of my arms and hands had a layer of sweat that did not move or drip until I wiped it with a towel. That does not happen to me in Canada, even back in my summer running days. The challenge for us is, we are almost in the cool season! We can't imagine when it's 43.

The learning curve is huge for Greg but most welcome. Language learning will be a challenge and we are inspired by expats who are fluent already. It will be hard work, but necessary to be as effective as possible.

Getting our house set up is a huge challenge, although we've had amazing help. Taara had gone into the house and made the bed, had sheets and a comforter made, lamps purchased, set up a make shift table and chairs for us and stalked the refrigerator with some essentials. Ratanak has been very helpful in providing us an English speaking Khmer colleague to help us learn where to shop etc as we set up our home. The challenge is there is no one stop shop to get everything. Our clothes are still not hung up as we haven't purchased hangers yet. Our laundry needs to be washed but we need a clothes line. Some of the basics are a challenge at this point but we will feel more settled as our house becomes home. Literally as I wrote this, we were told to take some extra time and the driver to get set up. 

Missing our children is also a challenge but we've been able to Skype everyday, if not twice a day. We asked Jahred what he missed about us most and his answer was, "Your money. You paying for everything". Nice. We are praying our Internet is installed at home before the holiday weekend coming up.

All in all, we are humbled and grateful to be here. It is an honour to give our lives to people who have suffered unspeakable tragedy within our lifetime. Those who survived Khmer Rouge are our age; our peers. The orphans are our children's age. How come we in Canada do not know more about this tragedy and this country? Ratanak has been working in Cambodia since the 1970's and is a NGO of impeccable integrity. It is amazing for Greg to work for an organization where the founder is not only alive, but involved. We feel nothing but respected and valued. It's a good and peaceful feeling to know you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

First Impressions

We made it! 

We left Niagara in the afternoon and headed to Toronto to spend some time with our children. As evening drew, we had dinner at Jack Astor's with both sets of parents. A slight feeling of dread loomed in the air as our parting time drew closer.

At the airport, we checked our luggage and received great service. I am sworn to secrecy as to the great service, but we had an angel who helped with our overweight items. 

Saying goodbye to the children was absolutely heartbreaking. It felt inhumane to be torn apart from my children. Even though we know technology can allow us to speak everyday, it felt like my heart was being torn out.

We flew Eva Air, 15 hours from Toronto to Taipei, a 3 hour lay over, and then 4 hours to Phnom Penh. Our flights were totally uneventful - nothing like our flights to Bangladesh! Once you arrived at the airport connecting you to Dhaka, it was pure craziness. Both our flights with Eva were 100% civilized in every way. Greg and I were seated together and even had the first row by the Emergency exit with tons of leg room. We recommend Eva Air in terms of their flight time because we left at 1:45 am, meaning we slept for at least 8 of the 15 hours. The only problem is that it is an Asian airline so the seats are very small. If you're overweight, that seat belt made for Chinese bodies is not going around your gut. The early morning departure time has seemed to make jet lag more bearable.

Upon arrival in Phnom Penh, we were shocked to see the order at the airport, the ease of obtaining our visas and the quality of the washrooms! There were to be no crazy washroom stories like when we arrived in Doha traveling to Bangladesh.So far, so good. We were met by Ratanak Staff and driven home to unload our luggage before going out for lunch. My dear friend Taara was waiting for me at our house and our anticipated reunion began. We had a look around the neighbourhood. It is lush with a well kept park in the gated community where expat families feel totally safe to let their kids go play on their own. In the evenings, families gather there to visit whilst their children play.

Just months ago, I started parting with all of my "stuff" as we did not have a shipment with our move abroad. We've spent the last two days buying "stuff". It is all necessary stuff to live - cutlery, dishes, a gas stove top, electric oven, washing machine. Actually, as I think of what we've purchased and had installed in two days in Asia, it's shocking how much has been accomplished. 

One of Greg's colleagues who is a Cambodian raised in an American home in PP has been accompanying us, translating for us and helping us find what we need. He is quite a gentleman. Having his help has made the first few shops much easier than it may have been.

Yesterday, we did some shopping in a tuk tuk, which is an open pulled trailer behind a motor bike. It's hot and the air quality is not great and by the end of the afternoon, I was questioning why we thought moving here was a feasible idea. After 10 hours of sound sleep in our new comfy King size bed, we were ready for some more adventure.

The traffic is not as congested as Dhaka and doesn't have the beggars or the rickshaws, but there are motorbikes everywhere - driven by locals and expats. I would describe the traffic as a never ending game of chicken. I can't believe that my friend Taara drives here! Maybe a few years down the road I'll get a moto. There are 

 families going about their day on a moto in the same traffic where there are families driving in Land Rovers, Lexus SUV's and Porsches.

I've discovered that it's almost cheaper for Greg and I to eat our main meal out every day than buying groceries. Some things are much cheaper in the grocery store but imported things are very expensive! Most of those imported items are what we shouldn't be eating anyways! 5 of us ate out and we all had a main course as well as a fancy drink and the total was $30. This $3 soup is worth a visit!

Today we had the NGO's air conditioned jeep to shop for some larger items. We bought a gas stove top and a washing machine and had them both installed today. One thing we find weird is that there is no hot water in the houses. There are electric, instant hot water heaters for the showers. So, we either wash dishes in cold water or boil the water in the kettle.

Friday nights have been declared Pizza Company Pizza night and Grey's Anatomy at David and Taara's. We are meeting people in the neighbourhood and are confident that we will meet life long friends in our own little part of PP.

Ultimately, we are confident that we will one day settle and not feel so overwhelmed by all there is to learn. It is an amazing opportunity and honour to contribute to restoring hope to the exploited in Cambodia.

Healthy Goodbyes

I have had to say "goodbye" many times in my life. I have said goodbye to places, people and things as my parents' career caused us to move around the country every few years. Some goodbyes have been incredibly painful, whilst others welcome.

In order to leave our homes and lives with good mental health, I have learned a few things about the goodbye process. As Greg and I prepare to leave the country in just days, I have spent the last months practicing the art of a healthy goodbye.

Healthy goodbyes are...

1. A process Not every goodbye is the same because relationships vary. Some goodbyes simply require a one time conversation and other goodbyes last for months. I have learned to tell people what they mean to me and what they have meant in life, not holding anything back. (except maybe a few boys I had crushes on in the pre Greg days. :) If there is a relationship with tension, I have made effort to resolve the conflict and leave on healthy terms.

Not every friend handles the process easily. Many times, a friend has pulled back from our relationship as my leaving date draws closer. I learned at a very young age that my friends were not trying to hurt me but it was their way of dealing with the pain of goodbye.

It's been important to articulate the exact things I will miss about them and our relationship.

I am learning to allow my family and friends to deal with the process of goodbye in their way. It's not only my goodbye.

2. Not just people but places and things I grew up leaving my house every few years when my parents were transferred throughout their career. I learned to say goodbye to places and things, not only people. With my own children, we have gone through our house at 126 and said goodbye to rooms and remembered together the precious times in them. We have learned to actually verbalize the farewell aloud as we've gone through each room.

After I read the book, "Room", I understood the need for the rescued captives to return to their place of captivity to say goodbye to the sink, the carpet, the bed, the table, and truly put an end to that chapter.

3. Not Forever I have learned that for many friendships, it's not goodbye forever. Having lived abroad, there have been some forever goodbyes. However, with technology, it's only goodbye in a physical sense as we can stay connected via various means. My move to Cambodia is not forever. I will return every year and friendships simply evolve. 

4. Necessary for Cultural Adjustment If I hadn't taken the time to meet with family, friends, neighbours, students and their parents and colleagues, I would not be emotionally prepared to face the task of cultural adjustment. I am not on a trip. I will be learning to live in a cultural unknown to my experience. I will have to continually rely on God to settle and adjust to my new surroundings and lifestyle. 

5.Emotional I am not good at letting others show their emotion. For my own protection, I have not let myself have a really good cry saying goodbye yet, despite needing to. It's important that I allow people to cry if they need to and that I allow myself to let er rip with them. If I can feel the pain of goodbye now and with others, it means less hurt and pain when I'm feeling lonely so far away from home.

6. Need to Stay Positive It would be very easy to focus on the negative but there are wonderful positives that lay ahead. Leaving my children is almost impossible, but by remembering I will see them in 14 weeks and have a vacation some can only dream of, the goodbye is spun in a positive light. If I only focus on the fact that I won't be able to see my friends weekly, I can remember that many will visit and a concentrated time together awaits. If I only focus on leaving the home I raised my children in, I will be too sad to appreciate the "mansion" that awaits me with house help. 

7.Vulnerable It takes all of my adult, big girl vulnerability to say goodbye in healthy ways to others. I have to shake off my pride in asking others for help, especially in terms of leaving my children. It takes being okay with feeling uncomfortable or unworthy when friends tell me what I have meant to them. Saying goodbye seems to be the most healthy when I'm feeling the most vulnerable.

I choose to do the goodbye process well. And, I am energized when I remember that goodbyes also mean many new hellos. Thank you to those of you who have taken the time to say goodbye in a meaningful way...a family prayer time with the Richardsons, many a breakfast, coffee, lunch and dinner out with friends, Thanksgiving dinner early with the Warkentins. You have been part of my healthy goodbyes as I embrace the adventure ahead. 

How We Got Here...

One week today, Greg and I will be heading to Pearson Int'l airport to relocate to Phnom Penh, Cambodia. To many, this move might seem daunting, but back in 2005, we packed our belongings, rented out our house and took two children to Dhaka, Bangladesh for just over three years. They were the worst of times, they were the best of times. Living with the tension of good and bad has only strengthened us as people of faith and as a family. And, so we move on to a new life with happy/sad feelings.

Greg has always wanted to make his home abroad, serving marginalized people groups. When we started dating in 1989, he told me the relationship would only work if I was supportive of him moving to Pakistan for the year. It turned out, we fell in love via hand written letters, one to represent each day he was gone. He was given another opportunity to work with marginalized people through fair trade business which was an amazing fit for his skills. It was a set three year contract and upon fulfillment, we came home to Canada. In retrospect, it was the right time for our children to come home and prepare for their adult lives.


We had always hoped to work abroad again, but life happens. We became settled in our lives with growing children, happy in our jobs. Our friends who live in Cambodia began encouraging us to seek employment there and specifically for me to help at the school they work at. As we discussed it at home, the responses were always the same. It's not the right time for our kids. We have good jobs here. But, our youngest started to question that line of thinking and wondered if it might be the perfect time, as he moves out for University and before either of them begin building their own families. So,I simply answered we would consider applying if there was an opportunity for Greg somewhere. 

In January, our friend sent an employment advertisement that she saw, without realizing it was a Canadian NGO. (non government organization) We thought about it and decided he might as well at least send a resume. Eventually, that became a scheduled Skype interview between Vancouver, Greg and Cambodia  for the Wednesday after we returned from celebrating our 25th anniversary in Jamaica. We discussed the possibility of relocating on our holiday, but it seemed an impossible feat. How could we leave our kids? What about our house as we had a terrible experience renting it out in the past? The ramifications seemed too overwhelming to tackle.

Greg went to work on Tuesday after returning from our vacation and was unexpectedly and shockingly restructured out of his workplace. We were shaken, dumbfounded and confused but God knew the timing of events and Greg had the hope of an interview the next evening. Three and a half weeks after losing his job, he had a signed contract to work for an well respected organization, called Ratanak International. Our children were supportive of the decision and we started planning how this would all work. 

We started sorting through our "stuff" and sold our house at a wonderful profit, way above our asking price.(thanks to a great realtor and a great market) Between that and Greg's severance, financially this was all plausible. I resigned from my jobs and was relishing the opportunities that lay ahead. Both of our children were accepted into the first University program of their choice. Our oldest was accepted into two Medical Schools and our son, into the music program he wanted. They both were to attend the same University and wanted to live together, allowing a place for many of our belongings and providing them with a "home". Life was moving at a fast, fast pace.

Part of Greg's contract was that we both pass medical and psychological tests. I know what you're all thinking..."How did Dawne pass a Psych test?" Well, it wasn't daunting as we had gone through all of this in our previous move abroad. Both of us are healthy, take no medications or have any conditions so this was stress free. We were phoned after Greg's blood work came back and Greg was to have secondary testing. That was weird. He was leaving soon! Eventually, that testing lead to a necessary biopsy. There were amazing friends put in place that helped speed this appointment up as there were time restraints on our end...his ticket was purchased. 31 days before Greg was to leave for Cambodia, he was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer, Intermediate Stage, Grade Seven on the Gleason Scale. Well, that stopped us in our tracks. It felt like going from 120 on the QEW to a dead stop in mere seconds. He was told he had to have surgery and the outcomes of that were explained. This cancer wasn't going to kill him anytime soon, but it was going to require attention at home. The contract was deemed null and void. Greg didn't have a job, I didn't have a job, we had no home and yet we knew without a doubt, God had this situation in His control. 

That same day, a few hours later, Jahred graduated from high school and it was HIS night. He wowed us by piping his class in, playing a gorgeous arrangement of the National anthem on his classical guitar and winning the Prinicpal's Award, along with some other awards. It was a very special end to a horrible day. Happy sad. Again, we were living in that place of tension which I view as wonderful preparation for endurance of life in a developing country.

I wrote about our situation on Facebook, which my children did not appreciate. However, because of that post, we received an email the next day offering us a 3 bedroom, fully equipped apartment to live in. I broke down weeping. The goodness of God was overwhelming. It was the sign I needed that He had this in His control and I need not panic. With Greg's severance and the apartment situation, there was enough money to live and prepare for the job as Greg recovered from his surgery and potential treatment. 

About a week later, Ratanak informed Greg that they were willing to wait for a set period of time for him to have his health meet the standards to move abroad.This was amazing news. Now, to pray for a rush on a surgery date.

Two weeks later, we went to an appointment to get our surgery date and radiation options and it was discovered that there were two conflicting reports of Greg's biopsy. The Dr who first diagnosed Greg read from one report and the Dr we were now speaking with, read from another report with a different, better, diagnosis. How was this possible? There was much confusion and it was decided his slides would be re read the next day and they would phone us. Our oncologist, who was amazing, encouraged us not to get our hopes up, that this error has happened in the past, and she didn't expect it to go in our favour. Well, I refused to believe that! I knew the number was a 6 and not a 7, meaning he would go on active surveillance but did not require surgery at this time as it is a very slow growing cancer and the side effects of the surgery regarding quality of life outweighed the need to kill the cancer and the effects it would have on the body. The next day, after living two weeks with the other diagnosis, we learned it was a 6 on the Gleason Scale. Oh, did we rejoice! 

Greg immediately contacted the NGO and a new contract was to be drawn up. The extra time in Canada allowed Greg to help get our children settled into their apartment, close the house and attend our daughter's Stethoscope ceremony, where she was welcomed into the world of medicine. After attending, he couldn't have imagined missing it. Medicine has always been her dream. 

And, that's how we got here...waiting to leave on Tuesday for a 15 hour flight to Taipei, with a 3 hour lay over and then another 4 hours to Phnom Penh. Our friends await us, our house awaits us and we will sleep in our new bed when we arrive. 

We are constantly overwhelmed when we realize the people God put in our lives at the right time in this process. A friend gave me beautiful words which I held onto...this is a mere speed bump on what was the fast lane to Cambodia. Another friend from the UK believed with such certainty that we would get there eventually that her words gave me hope. Friends provided a place to live. We were provided money with Greg's severance and the sale of our home to do this easily and fly our children to visit and me home in summers. Friends in the Medical profession pulled strings to expedite the medical process to what ended up being perfect timing. Our children found a lovely apartment and want to live together. We could not have orchestrated this. I am so happy to be able to support Greg in his dream. I am honoured to be married to a man called to serve the exploited.

And that's how we got here...