Culture Shock Musings

Like living through the stages of grief, it's almost impossible to avoid experiencing the stages of cross cultural adaptation. An ability and willingness to identify each stage is an important part of healthy adaptation or so I'm told. I remember our children having to construct bridges made of popsicle sticks that identified each stage in our cultural training pre-Bangladesh. 

The Honeymoon

Who wouldn't love a honeymoon? Everything is great. Isn't the food delicious, the cost of living unbelievable, the available products mind blowing, the taste of coffee better, the hot weather like an endless summer, the people fantastic? Noticing the differences between Cambodia and Bangladesh was downright euphoric! Adapting here was going to be easy compared to what we experienced adapting to Dhaka! Honeymoons aren't meant to last forever however, and I think ours might be over.

Distress

The differences that were exciting and new are now beginning to create a more negative impact. I would identify us as in distress at the moment, but Greg doesn't feel it in the same light as I do. I've wanted to hop on a plane and go home a few times in the last month. I miss my kids. Skype everyday simply doesn't replace a physical presence. The reality that I'll only see them a few times a year grieves my heart. I feel guilt in not being physically present for Tia's medical school years and Jahred's University years.

Adjusting to the heat can't help but make us cranky and it's the cool season! Some days are fine at 32 degrees with a nice breeze, but other days are terribly humid. Realizing these temperature are the cool season is enough to make me lose my mind. The tiffs we have because we can't hear each other over the humming of the ceiling fans is ridiculousness.

Being unable to communicate properly in the "outside" world is becoming frustrating. It's tiring to have to work so hard simply to have some music photocopied for a student. It annoys me that we paid to have custom furniture made and it's not exactly "right". We will begin language classes in the near future which will help alleviate some of the communication stress but for now, it's making me a little crazy.

Buying a SUV provided us freedom to go where we want, when we want, but the stress of driving in this mayhem has affected us both. Greg was very curt in tone on his first drive because it is stressful. He was not responding as he normally would but rather out of distress. I had to talk myself to getting into the vehicle for my first drive to work. It's not easy. The intersections make zero sense, people don't follow rules and I have to drive through mud and rocks to get to work. DISTRESS I tell you!

Reintegration

This is a difficult stage and one that can linger. I am not looking forward to experiencing these feelings. It's a time of rejecting the host culture and viewing it as inferior. It's a time of comparing the host culture to home and the host culture always loses. The new coffee I once loved now leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. The lok lak curry I adored now makes me want to gag. It's a time of questioning the original decision to move abroad and there are generally feelings of anger hostility regarding life. All of these feelings are normal and a healthy stage in adjusting to a new life. To avoid admitting the phase and its ramifications or to gloss over it to rise above only lengthens the duration of the reintegration. 

Emergence

This is the first step in acceptance of life in a new culture. The fog lifts and you are able to appreciate the differences from home without glamorizing them from the honeymoon period or rejecting them like in reintegration. It's a time of feeling like yourself again and knowing your place within the community.

Independence

You feel at home. You understand who you are in light of home and your host culture. You see everything in a new light, but a more realistic light. Finally, life feels in balance again.

Interestingly, one can struggle through a stage seemingly to the next one, only to slip back. I remember slipping back into the reintegration stage towards the end of our stay in Dhaka, not ever truly embracing independence. 

A few factors have helped make our culture shock less abrasive. The first is experience. We have done this. Greg has done this twice. (he lived in Pakistan for a year while we were dating) We also had stellar cross cultural training  and debriefing with our Bangladesh experience that also prepared us for Cambodia.

Secondly, Cambodia is just easier than Bangladesh. Dhaka often finds itself at the top of the world's least livable city lists and there's a reason for that. Daily life is much easier than anything we experienced in Dhaka.

Technology has a great impact on our experience here. Skype had just started towards the end of our time in Bangladesh and was unreliable at best. I literally Facebook messaged with Jahred as he Christmas shopped at the Eaton Center whilst climbing the stairs at Bayon Temple in Siem Reap. Unbelievable! I would be very interested to know the impact of the ease of communication with home on adjusting to life overseas. I'm sure there are studies on it.

We arrived in Cambodia knowing three people well. It was amazing to begin life in a foreign country with two friends around the corner and another friend just a tuk tuk drive away. 

Lastly, our thought out decisions based on past experience is making life more enjoyable for us. The big change is that we only hired one house helper, 3 afternoons a week. Obviously our situation was different in Dhaka in that we had the children with us and I was working far more hours. I grieved the loss of my kitchen in Dhaka and I have made it very clear that I am the boss of my kitchen. Greg and I do our own grocery shopping and I am enjoying cooking here. The other non-negotiable was that I wanted to have complete control over the laundry although as I type I realize that may have been a mistake. I literally just remembered I had laundry drying on the upstairs balcony and I went to bring it in only to discover it had blown Greg's shirts onto the neighbor's roof and down the bushes. Greg is currently outside trying to rescue them and he is not impressed! DISTRESS! Everyone has things that cause annoyance to their lives but the annoyance is heightened for us due to the very real stress of culture shock.

According to the classic stages, we've got some tough days coming but our children arrive in 23 sleeps and that's something to look forward to!